The Truth

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a workaholic. The last few months I have felt my health decline. I thought it was just a flare up, I am now accepting the fact that this is my new reality. 

This month is a new change for me. I made the decision, after months of going back and forth, to go part time at Wayfair. This is never something I wanted to do, but I am not physically able to keep up with my "normal" routine anymore. 

Although I know it is the right decision for me, I feel myself becoming the person I told myself I would never be. 

For the longest time I have been too afraid to be honest about how EDS has changed me. But here it goes. 

I am scared to be honest when people ask me how I am doing. I am scared to say "It's getting worse" or "My health is scaring me". People always ask "Are you feeling better?", my automatic response is "Yeah I'm fine"or "Nothing I can't handle". Or sometimes I'll even make jokes to hide my pain. Truth is, no. No, i'm not feeling better. No, i'm not fine. No, taking a day off work did not help me feel better. No, the pain is not something I can always handle. 

Truth is, I am exhausted. I am so tired of fighting the pain. I am tired of feeling and hearing my body pop and shift out of place every time I move. I am tired of putting a brave face on to make those around me feel better. I am tired of all of the doctor appointments. I am tired of limiting myself. I am tired of all of the tape, braces, physical therapy, x rays, MRI's, blood work, EKG's, and surgeries. I am tired of hearing "You are too young to be having this many health issues". I am tired.

I can feel myself breaking. Piece by piece. One body part after another.

I don't get a break. I don't get good days. I don't get relief from the pain. I don't remember what if feels like to walk without pain. I don't remember what it feels like to sleep without difficulty. I don't remember what it feels like to dance without pain. I don't remember what if feels like to be well rested. All I know now is pain.

All I can do at this point is take it one day at a time and hope that in the future someone will find a way to stop this painful illness.